


Deep Sea Diver

by 48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Autonomy Discussions, Beyond Dean Critical, Cycle of Abuse, Gen, My Bitterness is Palpable, S15E16: Drag Me Away From You, Sam Winchester Centric, Sam is Jack's Dad, Spoilers, Trans Sam Winchester, dean critical, just astrally project me into the sun, legit this scene made me dissociate, lucifer references, this scene got personal and i take 0 criticism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27159328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue/pseuds/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue
Summary: Sam is tired of choices not even being considered an option.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jack Kline & Sam Winchester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 107





	Deep Sea Diver

**Author's Note:**

> Sam not getting choices is just... suddenly the focal point again?
> 
> only now he's seeing his own pain reflected in how people are letting Jack try to martyr himself and while I am having a lot of feelings... if this is how Sam breaks out of the cycle this show has kept him in the whole time I might actually be on board.
> 
> It's not gonna happen but I can hope dammit.
> 
> Also Sam asking, Do I Have To in the pilot hits even more on point now.
> 
> The world doesn't let you choose without a fight Sam, never has.
> 
> Anyway I haven't even seen the episode yet I just saw this scene and needed to write because Sam Winchester and also just... all the things.
> 
> fic title a song by angel haze

"So you've been sitting on this." Sam says, still processing, an old, familiar rage he thought he'd left buried settling back over his shoulders. "What the hell, Dean?" He demands, because the betrayal feels as raw as ever. "I thought we were past stuff like this-"

"I know, Sam-"

But Sam can't take the excuses, the false comfort, practically twitching out of his skin from everything that remains unsaid. 

Sam looks away. The words keep coming, words he has left unsaid for so long because he thought he'd buried the hurt and moved on. But he never has.

It's never really been gone, and deep down Sam knows he's been lying to himself, and he can't take it. Not anymore.

"I can't believe you. You know that?"

And Sam looks at Dean, then, looks because if he doesn't he knows he'll try to make up every excuse because that's what he's done. For years, and years, and years...

Always pretending it's better only for the wool to be pulled back from his eyes.

And Sam's yelling, despite himself.

Because his son has been planning to die and they knew, Cas knew, Dean knew, Jack knew...

And no one told him.

No one was going to let him protect the one kid he needed to protect, that he's been failing to protect, from a fate Sam never was protected from.

"I mean, how can you keep me in the dark about something so huge?"

"Because I knew you couldn't handle it."

And there it is. Dean, pretending he's doing this for Sam, when all he's doing is sparing his own feelings. Because he doesn't trust Sam, not really, because it's never been about that.

Because Dean doesn't trust Sam can make a call without his interference. Because he expects Sam to just fall in line.

Because protecting Sam from false things he doesn't need protection from, that Sam didn't ask him to protect, matters more than anything that matters to Sam.

Because it wasn't Sam's choice to make, nevermind that Sam is 37 and Dean is 41 and he's not a child to be left out of decisions like this, nevermind that Dean has done it, again and again and again.

Nevermind that this isn't about Sam, or protecting Sam, but about Jack and everything Dean was willing to sacrifice and what he knew Sam wouldn't allow.

Because it's never been about what Sam wants or needs or chooses.

It's never been about Sam at all.

But what Dean decides for them. Things Sam thought they'd left behind, and didn't.

(And there's a ghost there, an old ghost, cold and chilled against the back of Sam's neck, whispering, " _Jerking you around like a dog on a leash, isn't that your whole life, Sammy, face it, he never cared about what you wanted, Sam, he'd choose for you any day of the week, you know what kind of love this is because you've seen it all before, with your Daddy and Dean and everyone who ever claimed to love you. At least I was honest about it_ -")

And then comes all the excuses, the things Dean tells himself, rationalizes, when it's not about that, not at all.

"You didn't trust Billie's plan, and then when we found out about Amara, you... you started, second-guessing," Dean stutters, blame rising in his voice, "Raising these, these ethical questions..."

"And I shouldn't?" Sam challenges. Heart stopping even more than it already has. And then the fire inside him ignites into a rage he hasn't felt since Gadreel, since the pier, since he followed Ruby and raised the Devil from his Cage and never thought he'd be okay.

Since the trials, and Dean told him he had too much to atone for.

A rage Sam can't quell, because it's not even about him or the past or everything else that they've never talked about since.

It's about everyone abandoning Jack and not letting Sam protect him. About keeping Sam out of the loop, like he isn't able to make his own choice.

About the choice Dean keeps making for him, now, just like everyone always has.

"Jack's gonna kill himself, and I should just shut up about it?" Sam challenges.

"Yes!" Dean shouts, like it's an annoyance, like it's already decided, like what Sam says means nothing-

And Sam's stomach swoops, bottoms out, white hot rage and aching gut and head pounding and all Sam can see is red, with some part of him so numb and bereft he can't even feel the weight of it all.

Because he's heard that all before.

"NO!" Sam yells. (It's all he's ever had left, in the end. Saying no, even if no one cares and no ones listening-)

"This is how we end Chuck, okay, this is the only way we will ever be free!" Dean bellows.

But doesn't he get it? (Of course he does, on some level, but he doesn't care, because there's never any consequences that stick, Sam is always drawn back into orbit-)

That's not freedom, not for Sam, not for Jack, not for anyone except Dean and what he wants and Sam...

Sam has never been free, not really, only dragged back in kicking and screaming and trying to find his way in a world that never let him go.

"So I'm sorry, Sam. You don't get a choice!" Dean lets the real truth slip out despite himself, heated and careless and angry, always angry-

And that's the only truth Sam recognizes, because he's heard it all before.

( _Everything you do, we'll always end up... here._

_I'll just bring you back._

_Your world is whatever I wanted it to be-_

_Except you let them choose for you, Sam, and pretended you didn't ask for it._ )

And Dean amends, like he knows exactly where he went wrong, like he knows all the ways Sam will not compromise, not for this, not anymore-

"We don't get a choice-"

"Oh, we?" Sam says, with all the condemnation in the world.

Because it's not the world taking Sam's choice away. Not Lucifer. Not Chuck. Not Azazel. Not Lilith, or Ruby, or Meg...

Not this time.

Just Dean.

And pretending it isn't like every other time everyone ever made that call.

And Sam... Sam is too angry to be tired.

And if he's learned anything that all, from all the times he's been kept from making the calls, from deciding, from having a way out-

That he'll find a way to save Jack and he'll do it on his own and no one, no one, was fucking taking his choice away no matter what they said.

No one gets that chance.

Not anymore.

Least of all Dean, after Sam thought he'd understood.

After Sam thought it was old pain left buried and forgotten, only it wasn't, because Dean would keep making that call, over and over.

Except Sam wasn't going to let Jack pay the price.

Not this time.

Not for this.

Sam has had his freedom taken away, his reality warped, his body violated, too many times not to fight back and spit fire against the world that dared try to remake him and make him choose this.

And he wasn't going to let Jack pay the same price.

Not again, when Sam has fallen in line too many times to count thinking things would be different.

There's silence.

"Look, man..." Dean's voice is quiet and ragged and Sam isn't going to listen to another goddamn fake apology, or false assurance, or rationalization.

"STOP." Sam yells, choking out every syllable as it catches in his throat, pressure building over his eyelids, tightness in his throat, trying not to ball his restless hands into fists. "Just stop." Sam breathes in one ragged, raw breath, and adds, "Please."

Because he can't take another lie, another fake condolence, another second of this and the pattern it always is.

Sam is done. Sam is washing his hands and walking away the only way he ever could.

He will not give Dean this.

He will not give anyone this.

Not this time, and not ever again.

Sam is done listening, feels every shred of rage shifting like every injustice he's ever weathered ready to break him apart all over again.

Only he will not be broken.

He's remade himself a thousand times, and he'll rebuild himself stronger, far away from all this, and he'll take Jack somewhere far away, too.

Safe, safe in all the ways Sam never really was, never really had a chance to be, the minute Sam finds a way to end this.

Only Dean doesn't stop. Has to be pretend at guilt, at absolution, when there is nothing left for Sam to give, because Dean can't even stop when Sam begs him.

"I'm sorry I-"

"Don't." Sam answers. So quiet and so sure and so empty. "Just... just drive."

The hours are full of silence, and if Dean tried to say anything else Sam would drown him out with anything he could find, not giving any more ground, because Sam was already buried in all the ways he's been used and lied to and manipulated and never given the space to choose over and over again.

Sam stares out the window, at the rain, and the trees, and nothing, and doesn't look at Dean once.

Doesn't look back when he opens the car door, because he owes Dean nothing and he will not give him this.

Sam has always known how to walk away, how to run, how to get out, even when he never knew how to keep it.


End file.
